Are you a Married 'Single' Mother?

By definition: 

‘A woman who is indeed in a relationship which should be equal, but she does EVERYTHING to keep the household and family running. She essentially lives like a Single Mother, but has a partner who may (or may not) be a man-child and life would likely be easier if she was in fact, a single Mother.’ 

That is what a Married Single Mother is, You have a partner. You are not, on paper, doing this alone. But you are the one who does all the invisible admin for the entire household that keeps it running, and it is slowly killing you. 

You're the one who does all the invisible things, the noticing, the remembering, the reminding, the admin, the organising, the prep, the thinking ahead. You know what I mean, because you do it all and your partner likely has NOOOOOO idea of all the things you do to keep the family and household running.

And it doesn't matter if you’re a stay at home Mum or you work part or full time outside the home. It's that you're the only one holding the whole thing together.  He might help with some tasks (or one), but you're running the whole operation.

And even worse is the extra (man) child, if he needs reminding of where to be, what to take, or what to do, he’s a man-child. If he sits at a restaurant and gets to finish his meal un-interrupted while you tend to the kids, he is not an equal partner. He is in fact, a whole ass adult and if he needs to be told basic things in regards to the kids and how to care for them or himself, he’s a liability, not a team mate, and you are a Married Single Mother. Too harsh? Maybe, but it's also true. And if that's your reality, it needs to change. Living like this in a constant state of overwhelm and stress, is incredibly bad for your long term health.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to Man-bash, there are good men who are in relationships like this and there are a plethora of reasons why you ended up being his Mother / Maid rather than his partner, some of which aren't entirely his fault. But right now, that doesn't make your life any easier. 

Why asking him to help has never worked...

"Just tell me what you need me to do and I'll do it."

“No Tony, that only ADDS to my workload because now I have to actually follow up and make sure you do it and / or tell you how to do it”.

"Just tell me what to do" doesn't take anything off you. Because now you have to notice it needs doing, decide it's worth mentioning, work out the words so it doesn't sound like he's a useless man-child, say it at the right moment, and then check it actually got done. That's a whole other job and it’s likely easier to just do it yourself. If you’re relating to any of this, you are probably a ‘Married Single Mother’. It's not an insult, it’s a definition. You're amazing.

Why you ended up here.

It’s complex and there’s probably lots of reasons why you ended up here. Maybe it’s just a repeated pattern, his dad didn't do much around the house. His mum ran everything and made it look effortless, and because of this, he never once saw the invisible load she was carrying. He grew up not knowing what it takes to run a home. He genuinely can't see a weight that was invisible to him his whole childhood. This is also why we as Mum’s need to stop doing chores and jobs for our kids, especially our sons. Let's not repeat that cycle. 

Sometimes it's that you've always done it. Maybe you're better at it. Maybe you’re a control freak and you prefer it done your way. Maybe your standards are higher and it was easier to just do it your way. But that was at the start before kids, maybe it crept up when the first baby came and never crept back down again. However it happened, he's simply adjusted to a life where he doesn't need to notice, because you always do.

Sometimes, he just got comfortable. An easy life is a nice life, and if someone else is quietly absorbing the cost, there isn't much pressure to change. 
 

Why asking and ‘nagging’ is never going to work.

So you did the reasonable thing. You explained. You asked him to step up. Maybe more than once. Maybe it became "nagging" (his words. “It’s only nagging because you didn't do it the first 15 times I asked Tony”). Sadly, asking harder is likely not going to make a difference, because no matter how many times you ask, how can he pick up the slack of the invisible, if he can’t actually see it?

Every time you ask, you're the one who has to notice, decide, and delegate. You're still the manager. He's still the helper who needs a manager. "Just tell me what to do" keeps you both in exactly those roles, you the one holding it all, him the one waiting for instructions. You’re not his employer. Sharing the load means he notices the milk is gone and WITHOUT being asked or reminded, he picks some up on the way home from work, or sends a kid down to the shops to get some. 

The more you ask or complain that you have to do it all, the more you become "the naggy one". Which sucks, it feels yucky, so eventually you go quiet and just do it yourself, because it's less exhausting than asking. Which quietly teaches everyone in the house the same lesson: Mum will do it. 

There's a better way, and it does not involve asking.

You don't get a partner to genuinely share the load by finding better words, or making a chore chart he needs reminding to check, or having the big conversation for the fifteenth time. Those all keep you in charge of the load. 

There is a different way. A better way. A way to have a partner actually notice and pick up the invisible part, not just the task, but the noticing. Without you asking, or 'nagging'. That's what I teach, and I've watched it change how entire household run. It's pretty epic. 

But before any of that, before you change a single thing, it helps to just see it. Clearly. In a number.

Start by seeing exactly what you're carrying.

Right now the load is invisible, and invisible things are impossible to argue with, even to yourself. So I made you something to make it visible.

It's called The Married Single Mother Audit, it’s free and it tells you exactly what % of the load you're carrying. Women are either quietly stunned or completely unsurprised. I was doing 87% of the load whilst getting to switch off 22% of the time. Whaaaat! That is insane. No wonder I have a C-PTSD diagnosis. 

It's free, it's quick, and no one needs to know you took it. Check it out below. 

You are worthy of an easy life and an equal partnership. Yes, easy! An easy life. Why does life have to be hard? It actually doesn't. It was never meant to be like this. For a lot of different reasons millions of women are living in survival mode and fell into this Married Single Mother role by default. I was the same. Well, no thank you, not anymore. We can’t keep living like this and it’s time to make a change.